I wana kill myself part 2

Well.....let's see, let's talk abou what is it about life that I so much so hate it and all. And this is also partially if not fully the reason behind why this blog has a name called lost-in-facades.....You don't ned to read this if you don't have the time....it's not important.....caz I feel like every now and then or it's just a too familiar feeling.
 
Well, ever since I could remember, I never had much friends in school, especailly in my class and it has only improved by a tiny tiny tiny bit in JC. Well, the reason behind it, I think, is that I am av overly self-concious person. I am always worried and mindful about what would pepople make of me if I were to say something or do something. Therefore, I am not the kind that opens up easy or should I say make friends very quickly and easily with people. That's why there comes the reason facades. I often think and remind those around me when they make a certain comment trying to guess or hint that they know me well, that I may very well not be the person that you are seeing. Be mindful that I am not out to cheat anyone but do you remeber that I ever mention that one behaves differently in different enviroments? Perheps it's a survival trick or maybe it is just natural that you don't treat everyone exactly the same in terms of the kindness and stuff. therefore, I also concluded that I was lost in facades and I believe that many people out there are. After trying to please everone with your different facades. do you still know who is  the real you without any mask? Maybe, maybe not.
 
Then there is another thing that I really hate about myself. I have a very huge problem bout sharing my thoughts and stuff, in other words, I have a serious communication problem. I often have a million and one things going on in my head, I would comment to myself how you should think about something etc. But when you are asked to say it all out, you kind of can't say anything although your mind is still actively thinking. You end up saying a short very short summary of it and  what's more is that most of the time, the answers still has some level of fakeness. Then there are also times whereby all this mental talk in your head won't stop. Frankly, it's all these little things that make my life such a torture, its a torture when your mind thinks too much. it's also anouther torture if you got part of your mind trying to challenge the other half about come things. It is all these fustrations that I sometimes think that I wonlt be very surprise if I die of some form of commiting suside or go carzy becaus I am really trying to drive myself up the wall at times. How I wish there is such a thing as a brain wash. then perheps  i won't need to trouble about somethings that were, somethings that are and somethings that will be. That is also why sometimes I think that I would have been a more happier person if I am more stpid or more care-less. But sadly I am not. That's why I live this life in agony most of the time.

I wana kill myself

Well, here we go again.........

The main thing is that the Nationals are here again. Well, representing my school in the 400m event. Well, actually I was a little scared anout today's race as my coach would really hope that I could get into finals. Then the other thing that I was worried about before today was that I was afraid that I would have the wrong feelings to start the race. Well, I was scared that I might feel too scared, too anxious or too worried or worst still, maybe I won't feel anything at all. Its usually the way you feel that determine the outcome of your race that's why we usually describe most sports or things that "It's all in the Mind"

Then today, was my event and the most crappy part about it was that there was 25 peolple in the heats and they need to eliminate 1 person in order to make up the 24 people in the Semis. At that point in time, I was so worried that I might be the one that will be elimintaed, the last one on the list. then I was about to get scared and all when my coach explain to us that we feel anxious or scared is because there's uncertainty about the turn out but when we come to think of it there isn't much of an uncertainty at all. If you trained hard, and are fit etc, you will definitely do well. Throughout the whole time, part of me can't believe that it has already started and was practically slapping and pinching myself during warm up. I tried to come myself down by reminding myself that its's all baout putting your best foot forth for the college. And I seriously think I did just that. I clocked a personal best electronic time and got into the semis. Is that truly mey best? well, I don't really know.....remember that whole crap that you could be in denial without knowing it? Well, maybe it was.

Then from the results of the semis and my performance during the heats, I seriously feel kind of disheartened as a part of me is almost so certain that I can't make it to the finals. Maybe it is really true aand that I needn't the day and the hour to come to let me know it but still.....I shall continue to remind myself that I will give my utmost best for the college. Hopefully, I retand this correct mood that I had todayafor the semis and be evern more agressive. Hope to clock another personal best timing....

Ok then....will keep you informed. now, let's go to the philosopical stuff of today.

Relationships and emotions.........

Man, I seriously think that this blogging thing is starting to get to become a pain in the neck....think I will blog once in 2 days? Any objections?....what is there to object?

Well, let's talk about love....no lah....I not that pro or experienced to talk about this lor...well, just want to share with you something. Remember there are amny songs and other works of art that man has created through the centuries o describe about this thing called love? Even Love at first sight? Man isn't that romantic? However, in this scientific age, science says that there cannot be love if there is no light. the light must fall on the person and be reflected into your eyes and there must be nerve impulses to transmit the image to your brain before you can register something as a thin that you love. How romantic is that? This is a true statement from the scientist. But fret not, for love can still be love at first sight, with the correct amount of light :)

Ever wonder how you can like someone, the way they talk, do some stuff, the very expression of the various feelings on their face?
It just brings a smile to your face? On the other hand, did it ever occur to you that there are people around you whom you can bepretty close to but don't have such feelings?
Ever heard the choking sound of silence? Then have you ever wonder why uyou persist in things that you know might not will not succeed or have a good outcome?

well, food for thought huh?

Reminder:1 life. Live it

Something for the trackers.............

Dedicated to the Trackers

Strength and courage aren't always measured in medals and victories. They are measured in the struggles we overcome.

Source: Chicken Soup

Boring.....

Well, as you would notice, I did not writye an entry yesterday again. Man...I am really finding this blog kind of hard to maintain and I am only at post 5 or 6....Really wonder how long this can last.

Summary of what happen yesterday........
Well, there wasn't much to begin the day with but tuition and some tv. in the afternoon, my parents, my younger sister and brother wen tEast Coast park to cycle, my maid went out for her off day and there I had the whole day to myself. Didn't have much motivation to study as always(that's the usual thing if I am at home) so I went to Far East by myself to lok and stuff and then later at night go meet my Beau :) The whole thing and whole day was pretty nice :)

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention about this girl that I saw at Parkway bus stop, in front of the POSB. She was really weirdly dressed. Man, she is the second person that I saw who wears a shawl about her shoulders/neck area and there was really no cause for it. Man imagine, she was in a black dress, spagetthi strips but it wasn't low in front or behind at all. It was a totally decent dress revealing nearly nothing more than a little of ther shoulders adn neck area like any other normal sleevesless top. then she was carrying a black handbag, wearing black shoes, everything about her as black except that shawl. It was light blue, and the rough clothe material type. It was really a very bad choice to dress like that....what was she thinking man.....

About today.......
Well, as you know., today is monday, first day of school week and ithere isn't anything much exciting that i could describe about lesson time except during the GP period. Topic of discussion? What is Art? The class was trying to define art, artist, high art....a lot of stuff then when we came to talk about music that was beautiful, I mentioned Michael Jackson to my classmate beside me, a malay girl in my class. She nearly6 died. Well, as a supporter of Michael Jackson and that i seriously think that many of his song are really beautiful amnd meaningful and one song that definitely fits this description is "Heal The World". Well, if you never heard it before, you should question yourself if you are living among human beings and came by any humanitarian causes. this song really has it all. ....back to the scene, well, I kept laughing after that and tried too mention MJ's name whenever i think i can fit him in and I was laughing at the expresions that my friends were giving me....it was really funny...hahaha....

Then do you remember times when all the things around you seem to be going on fine but you know it yourself that you are not feeling too good about some stuff? It's like you are smiling and laughing with your friends this minute and then the next minute when the attention was left you or you left their company, the smile or sense of happiness or funniness(is there such a word?) just leaves immediately? It's like the smile that you wear is not truly from inside but on the surface. Not that you are trying to cheat anybody here but the emotions that were transversed during that period of time just didn't really get INTO you. Well, I had one of therse days again, lost in the faceade or did I actualy choose the facade for myself this time? A few of my track friends were asking me if I was alright as they think that I was looking sad...well, kind of actually....then this girl was like asking if is it someone bully you? Well.... not that I could think of or it could be placed that way....but anyway...I managed to brushed the concerns away. Actually this guy from my class who is also in track was saying I was hyper today (from the GP lesson) then they more or less believed I was alright. Well, after mentioning so much, I think it is pretty obvious that I wasn't alright during that time but was disturbed/concerned/worried about some issues, big and small but it is the sort of thing that I can't or won't tell anyone as far as possible.Serious, troubling, yet you can't or won't breadth a word. hopefully such problems will resolve soon....anyway...I don't wish to mention it till.....I don't know when....Sigh.....it's often the things that trouble you mentally that is more tiring than anything in the physical form......sigh.....

Ok then, I think I got to go and do some homewok and practs man.....I am certainly way behind schedule......

We'll catch up again eh?